Memories Vs Money

 Have you ever thought  "well maybe I should work a little harder to earn a little more Money to make life a little easier." 

Well I have... but then I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want my children to focus on.  We gave up our big house with the garage and all the things that came with that choice. Sometimes I think that I made a mistake. I know deep down this was the right choice for us and our children. Don't get me wrong I miss my big box stores, lazy supper nights and going out with my friends to places like starbucks. 

 LETS MAKE A COMPARISON!!!

Things I miss:

• Walmart/Superstore
• Multiplex Playdates
• My Friends (I hope this was obvious)
• How much more money we had

Things I don't miss:

• My Husband being Gone ALL THE TIME
• Massive mortgage Payment
• Being far from our in laws
• Driving 5 hrs every time we wanted to see family
• Being Busy ALL THE TIME
• Not Having a free moment 

 So As far as I can see I have gained so much TIME with my husband and freedom I have never had before.  So Yes we don't have a massive mortgage or even a beautiful home... But I have time and I have a family I get to focus on making memories with... My Kids won't think that we didn't give them the world ;we give them all that we have and all that we are.   My life was not "Easier" it was comfortable. But I had no husband to help get the kids to hockey, or to get the kids to bed... I have a husband who works himself into the ground for all of us to have all of our needs and wants met. Now that we have been here for a year, as much as it was a hard move. It was the most rewarding and life changing thing that we have ever done.  I have a husband who is present and food on the table and we all will have memories of Daddy being home to care for our non physical needs .We are blessed beyond measure to show them that money may make life a little more comfortable;Money will never out weigh the most perfect and chaotic memories that one shares with their loved ones. I never want to regret working to hard and not spending enough time on my loved ones. This life is far to short to focus on dollar signs.

PhotoCredit: Michaela Jessiman

Www.life-captured.ca

18 Months Turning 18 years

Well the time has come... my daughter is a full on diva not even a little like full on  all the time. 

Reason #1

 She hates being told "No" and it could be something mild but in could bring on full meltdown.

Example : The almighty rubber boots that light up(of course she wants to wear them). If we wear them  all is well until we go inside and have to remove them from our size 5 toddler feet; that are so sweaty because she adores them more than puppies or kittens. It bring the most horribly earth shattering saddened toddler face you will ever see in your entire lifetime. 

Reason #2

Shoes and clothes. I swear this child has more shoes and articles of clothing than anyone in this house hold and she is a year and a half old. Is this even happening??? She loves to be fancy... and not just a little fancy. She needs the shoes, the clothes, the hair. She is a teenager trapped into a tiny human body. She is exhausting and of it doesn't go her way the world falls apart.

 { Maybe she takes after her mother a little but honestly its not like I am that much of a diva! - am I?}

Reason #3

 She knows what she wants. She knows if she wants the pink coat or the purple one. Oh and if you didn't catch the memo IT IS ALWAYS THE PURPLE ONE!  So this little girl is me just small.

So To conclude my blog by a Diva about my tiny Diva, I hope she never looses her voice or her opinion. It makes her vocal, honest and in the deepest most true form of herself. I hope she finds comfort in the ability to be vocal and love herself. I adore her and I have only known her for 18 months. She changed my Life. 

I am my own worst critic.

 I wake up every morning and think to myself ... " you should have gotten up sooner." Granted its 7 am and by no means is that late. Then the morning progresses and I think wow I must workout but my morning is so busy; how can I possibly fit a workout in right now???? As the day passes and children go to school and play out side and do what children do best. I feel more and more less like a human and more and more just like a mom( there is a difference).  I feel like I should be a super mom- clean house, workout, look hot, be a great patient mother... Well in reality lets just pick 2 of those things. I can't be all of those things at once in reality. 

The last couple weeks have been horribly rough. I'm not wanting to workout my ambition is in the gutter... I feel like l am a completely beached whale and not ok with that. My life is chaos right now and it's affecting the logic part of my brains. The goal is not perfection it is my best. Sometimes I yell to much... Sometimes

I don't care enough. Sometimes

I just want to be me and pretend I am not a parent and that I actually have a life and  personality behind all of this. I forget that I am Allie and not just mom. 

Challenges In Finding a Father

 So I have watched my best friend search for her dad for the last 9 years...Its been a struggle. She has been dealt a rather challenging hand of cards in life and maybe its a product of whom she comes from but has no idea of who that is. She is the most committed ,honest, and loving person I know. She has only visions and dreams of whom he could be. Every time we sat waiting for the DNA tests I prayed that it would be the last time; It has been 6 tests and she still doesn't know who he is.  The anxiety of sitting there for her has been overwhelming.

This was a conversation between us the last time:

"I am sorry I am not good with words when it comes to finding your dad... I feel lost and scared for you to either meet the man who helped create the amazing woman you are; or to be completely at the end of your rope.i wish I could say " it'll be okay" but who knows... One thing I do know is that it doesn't change a thing. You will still be you and I will still be me and your mother will still be herself. But I know that you also are an amazing mum and friend."

Her response:

I love you too.

This is a subject that gets me very complicated emotionally. And if I had to talk about it, I couldn't express it verbally. Writing, I just barely touch on how I feel because I have a hard time finding the right words

And I know it wont change anything.

I'm trying to remain optimistic. I know eventually, even if he resists, I will find a way to MAKE him talk to me and take a test (although hopefully it wont come to that)

but even if he's not my dad I'm staying positive in the fact that either way, Ill know.

Ill either know who my dad is or I will know (and have to make peace with the fact) that I will never know.

Her mother gave her names when she was struggling with an eating disorder and wanted her to go to rehab; the only way she was going is if she finally got some sort of response of whom her father could possibly be... she was 17 years old.  When those came up empty she was told "Its none of your business" that would enrage anyone who is trying to find answers and make the curiosity even more unbearable. 

There is a possible that maybe her father... The only problem is that her mother stated that he raped her.

Is the grass still green? Is there hope? Does she want anything to do with him?  All she wants at this point is to know the truth. WHO IS HER DAD? IS SHE A PRODUCT OF RAPE? DOES ANY OF THIS CHANGE A THING? A detailed medical history would be needed for her children and making a informed decision for them during  any sort of medical intervention.

She  has concerns about this mans mother she's quiet ill and that puts pressure and stress on working this out on personal time--- when her possible grandmother is dying. Its horribly saddening. To possibly be finding your extended family to find out that your timing getting to know someone is being put on high speed because someone body is full of cancer.  What if she dies before the results are in? Will she know her grandmother?  What about the possibility of siblings? How will they take the news?  How will she finally take the news if this is her dad? 

Will the grass be greener? Maybe.

Will it change a thing? Of course. She's still the most amazing devoted mother and friend....But it could bless her with more family(there is a flipped to this that isn't so sparkly) or it could show her that her search isn't over.

My plan is to be anxious with her as we continue being best friends and hold hands while we jump over the next hurdle together. Whatever comes from this know I love you. 

Reality

I wake up tired everyday. Not because I stayed out being wild and reckless... No it's all because I have a threenager and a toddler who thinks she should get some more chompers (which worries me when I am still nursing). She is turning into a little diva (how couldn't she?) today she brought me her sandals and looked at me and said "on". Yes, we are learning to speak and yes we are really proud... Then she proceeds to shake her Bon Bon to the  music playing out of my computer.  She is a copy cat.  

Back to our threenager, he's been well challenging?  Last night his brother broke his lego car (granted he's 3 and worked really hard ). Well he totally became unglued... Hitting windows ( unimpressed) yelling, crying And my most favourite... STOMPING! Like really all over something that is supposed to be taken appart. Well after a solid 10 minuets of this royal meltdown from him... I let him cry and deal... But I was horribly embarrassed(grandma and grandpa were over)and disappointed that this is how he was going to deal. Did I fail somewhere along the line? Am I not strict enough?  All the questions that make me question being a parent. 

Adventures with wrinkles

 So we are on our first visit back. It's been so busy and I am exhausted and so are the kids and I'm not sure if the time change causes the wrinkles of our daily routine or the fact that since we got here all three of them are running around like chaotic tornados down tornado alley.  

Sometimes I wish we could betrothe our children. I know some really great kids. While on our adventure our kids have been enjoying spending time with their friends. Yesterday we spent time with our friends B and R and after I left I asked A "do you love B?" His response was " yes, mom I love her very much. We are gonna drive tractors together"  as he said this to me it warmed my heart because when he said it(I had giant mental visions of them driving tractors off into the sunset when they are 35 years old (Babies can't grow up).  These are the things I love about kids the genuine way they think and express themselves. My adventures are wrinkles with emotion and chaos everyday...I also know I throw a giant amont of wrinkles in the childrens adventures(how dare I not let you stumble down those basement stairs?!?)

This week has shown me more that where we are is where we are supposed to be... Even if I'm the talk of the town. 

I'm tired

It's exhausting having to keep it together all the time. All is well and great until the day is almost done and I'm folding laundry or sweeping. My heart breaks in those moments to have my love here. I know I chose this. I hate this feeling of utter loneliness... I hate never getting a break from reality. I know I should be thankful that I get to be home with my babies and for the most part I am-- just moments like these really push me down into the dirt. This is not easy and if you haven't had your love sleep away from you it's horribly disheartening.  Maybe I am slightly in a slump. I miss having him home with me every night more than anything on this earth. I could post about the trivial things but honestly this is where I am at. I am tired of pretending that this is all well and dandy. It really SUCKS.  I am blessed beyond measure and I am thankful. I am feeling so lonesome. I didn't think That the move we always wanted would break my heart. I also didn't know it would not include having my husband and our children's father not with us on a daily bases. 

My story

PThis past Sunday I shared part of my stort with our congration and it was well for me nerve racking as everything. Not only is my story personal its hard for people to hear. Anyways I'll save that for another day but I saw this picture on the Internet and thought "WOW! This is the truth!"

I have my 3 little loves who mean everything to me!

And in other news we went for a nap with out nursing before hand! 

Beach body before and after

I wish I could tell you that this was an easy journey for me... It wasn't it was hard and worth it. With having been anorexic and bulimic as a teen weight has always been a problem for me.  My brain still sees fat even on my rib cage that I can clearly see bones.  That being said I have three kids. I had to make a choice be a great mom or set a horrible example of what a relationship with food should look like.

Back to my use of shakeology and the 21 day fix... I have seen incredible changes in my body!... I have muscles and energy! I have found a love for jaming as much protien and veggies into my face as I can humanly manage.  Giving up starbucks was hard... Then we moved and it was no longer an option! All of this has changed my life... Yes sometimes I have guilt about eating "bad" food. I will always have an eating disorder, but I also know it takes far more control to not binge and purge... Then it does to stay motivated and inspired to lift weights and move. So as a mom of three with a history of hating food I say that beach body was the best thing I could have done for myself and my family.

The diffrence from end of round one to the middle of round 2 with beach body's 21 day fix!

LOVE Is ENOUGH

My life at the moment is not glamorous in the slightest. My Kids are running around like small bulldozers or bulls in a china shop. EVERYTHING  I do is quickly undone by wild animals that are laughing like the hyenas off of the Lion King. So within all this chaos I am sitting here blogging instead of washing dishes or doing laundry.

The last week or so has been a great challenge. I feel down and I am not sure if its from utter loneliness or missing my husband... BUT I AM IN A FUNK!  I Miss FRIENDS that I could be in my grubbiest clothes a look like a slob. I miss having friends that love me for all my flaws. Making new friends takes time and I want friends! I want Play dates.... AND I AM TO UNDER CAFFEINATED TO BE A MOM.... WHY DO I LIVE SOMEWHERE THAT HAS NO COFFEE?????  Someone should make one of those little pictures that has a cheeky remark on it ....
Like " Why do I live somewhere that has no Starbucks??"


Throughout the  Lack of coffee and lack of people in our newly established life.  I find peace knowing that Jesus is here and I am never alone. My friend who recently moved to Canada from Mexico told me that I am never alone ;it was exactly what I needed to hear.

 "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1Corinthians 13:7 ESV

LOVE IS ENOUGH FOR US TO DEAL WITH THIS HARD PART IN OUR RELATIONSHIP.

Pets????

We are getting a gold fish... Or more like being given. Aunty and uncle are moving far away(o.k. Only like 5 hrs.) to a small child that's far away. I've wanted a pet for so long; gold fish was not really what I was looking at. I am gonna roll with it. Not a huge deal since it doesn't require a ton of  care. I like to travel a cat still needs someone. I feel like this is a great start to having a new finned baby??? Since it can't be a fur baby!

Talk of the Town

Living in a small town I expected people to talk... Come on in reality we all are curious about the neighbour with the 3 kids and the husband that works away. 

 So monday I phone my mother in law and she tells me that she has something hilarious to tell me ... And that someone is telling stories... My brain is going 500 miles an hour and all I can think is " if someone is gossiping about my children running around in the nude they better realize they are children." So as time passes my in laws arrive for dinner. I needed to know... I needed to know NOW what the gossip was about me!

Get ready for it because it is rather scandalous.

Apparently  my husband leaves on Sunday and then all week I have "men" come over and visit me( what??? My father in law and the Internet guy????ALSO HOW WITH 3 kids?????) oh and mentally prepare your self for this part because its the best...I have an inflatable companion.  

By this point I am  rolling on the floor laughing because this is possibly the most obserd thing I have ever heard about myself! (I'm really not this scandalous) the best gossip is 100%untrue it's hilarious and Funny because I know deep down this elderly person was scared of the new neighbours... Whenever I see peeping into my home I wave with a large smile--- you may think I am diffrent now and that I have an inflatable lover... But I will love you even though you believe this to be true. I'm not hurt at all by this because honestly it was the funniest thing I've had happen. So I bid you a good night and I promise  no scandals to be had here.

Bucking Sheep?

I have a little boy that since we went to a rodeo(agribition) at the end of November; is obsessed with riding horses and becoming a bronc rider. As a mother I cringe at the thought of my son becoming a professional rodeo star...my knees will be toughened from hours of praying for his safety.  

Jeremy and I have managed to convince him that maybe we should start with mutton busting(sheep riding) he says "okay but they must be bucking sheep!" Really? Would you like more risk with your life young man? 

So today Papa took N to the city and A was horribly deflated so I asked him what would you like to do? He processed to tell me how he wanted to ride horses with his Aunty Courtney. So that's what we did and he was soo happy!  His smile looked as if it may break his whole face

 So as my night comes to a

Close I ended up with two very thrilled little boys! 

Sunrise

 When we were living in the city my whole  view was obstructed by the fact that there were buildings and people everywhere. Since we have moved every morning I embrace the beauty of the sunrise.  Maybe that will pass after we are in summer and the sun gets up far to early for anyone to function. For now I will continue to enjoy watching the sky go from dark to light. The beautiful colours that come from it. When the sun is just Rising above the horizon and it is so orange it looks as if the whole horizon is burning up.  The pinks that the clouds shine are beyond beauty. This morning I saw the beauty of what God has created and it was splendid.

Harder

 The title of this post could not even explain in the slightest amount how much my heart broke after kissing my husband goodbye for the second time. 

This weekend was rushed. It rushed in and rushed out. It was over... He drove away and my heart shattered into a million pieces of lonely. I know I expected this-- but I didn't know my heart would be so sad. He stuck around extra late so he could help with the kids. It felt like home. Now I feel so soo deflated.  He is an amazing dad and a really lovely husband.

Still Nursing

So I've been nursing my little lady for 13 months my goal was a year. There has been moments of "oh this is wonderful" 

To " I am going to get rid of my boobs"! Overall I am glad I've nursed this long and still am going strong!  Let's look at the pros and cons of this very challenging yet rewarding journey I've been on.

Pros:

• being the only one who can feed that brand new little baby!  Haha I don't have to share and let you rub all your germs all over my small baby. Keep you tiny little Germs from contaminating my small human.

•I need a break from visiting... Oh the babies hungry I'll be right back.

20 minuets later the baby is sleeping and I've been laying in bed watching YouTube for the last 15 minuets. 

• I love the idea of not spending money on formula and bottles. Milk on tap.... My milk shake brings all the babies to the yard(or my lap)

Cons:

• Okay so maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be to not have anyone else be able to feed the baby... Major problem * in the bath-- baby cries and oh yeah I am the only one who can deal with little miss squawky pants* 

•  supper is ready?! Wahoo I'm famished!!!! *waaahh wahhhhh* 20 minuets later--- supper is cold my family is fed.  Lucky me I get to eat alone and a cold meal. 

• SLEEP? I think this comes with any bottle or breastfed baby... WHAT IS SLEEP?  Getting up to feed the baby in the night can be utterly torturous. I am so tired of being tired. Little missy doesn't seem bothered by it.

At the end of the day I could continuously  talk about my qualms with nursing these last 13 months. My darling daughter is healthy, happy and growing. So pros and or cons life is constantly changing and she doesn't get up 5 times anymore and I get to enjoy her wanting snuggles. Overall I wouldn't change any of this last 13 months because it was worth it.

Rural life as a WANNA be single mom.

NO I DONT WANT TO BE A SINGLE MOM. As my life is right now I am playing the role 5 days at a time. I have been so busy I haven't had time to be saddened by the fact that my darling husband is away.  Day 1: first day of kindergarten and it was kinda nice to have him go on an adventure... He came home and was horribly tired(being good all day is exhausting)! Went to grandma and papas for tacos! The kids love WANNA be Mexican food. To top this day off my wonderful sister in law offered to come help me get N to school. Well in all reality I was overjoyed to only have to bring N to school not all 3 tiny melicious humans. I swear they plot ways to make me crazy and to make everything a tad more challenging. Any ways N wanted Aunty to take him to school. I quickly explained that mommy had to go to the school so I could fill out forms. He then said "maybe Aunty can pick me up from school?!" I said "I'll ask her when I get home" well obviously she was busy and I picked him up-to his dismay. We walked home and when we walked in the door all he said to me was "why didn't Aunty pick me up?" I proceeded to tell him that Aunty was busy. When it was time for supper at grandma and papa he went straight to where Aunty was and said " why didn't you pick me up from school." In a matter of fact/you disappoint me tone. I don't know what she said but we sure did giggle about how he was soo unimpressed.

Day 2:  we started play school and N stayed home that day!  A was so excited and had a glorious day! He said they sang songs and had a snack!  We invited grandma and papa over for supper. Spaghetti it was really the only thing I had everything for. It was good and everyone enjoyed themselves. HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY WAS NOT HAVING TO DO BED TIME ALL ALONE!!!!

Day 3: N had school again. He isn't as enthusiastic about school.... It may have to do with the extreme cold!-40 almost everyday...I am TIRED OF WINTER.

Day 4: well the weather was severely disappointing. SUPER COLD AND BLUSTERY!!! We had play school in the am with A and he was gone for 2 hrs. We played and chilled watching movies. It has been utterly chill with the lack of socialization I am getting with other grown ups.  We were invited again for supper at the in laws and it was sooo good!!!!!!! The kids ate and played. The roads were very gross and getting lots of snow drifts. One of my most anxiety triggers is driving in less that disirable conditions... That was last night so my father in law picks us up.(I am a big chicken! Haha suckers!

Day 5: TODAY is utterly the hardest yet. I know husband is coming home today and I can not wait to see him. Yes I have things to do like make supper, do laundry and workout but all I want to do is to give him a giant hug... I know we chose this. We chose to be appart for a while so we could take the steps to achieve the life we want but it's still terribly difficult. 

I GET MY FRIDGE TONIGHT WOOOOHOOOOOOO. Bar fridge held a few things but I sure missed having tons of fruits and veggies!

GET HOME!!! I miss you

Washing machine

I know this seems silly but I have never been so thankful to have my washing machine work. When we were getting ready to move we knew we had to move out our very expensive and beautiful(okay when your a SAHM you will understand) washing machine. As Jeremy and his buddy from work are loading it and then came the stairs. AHHHHH! I was so nervous because if I lost a washing machine or the washing machine crushed the nice man who was helping us...it would have been horribly tragic- death by washer. But it was SOO glorious to plug it in and to have it work! Yay for laundry! Except all the laundry that's clean and waiting to be put in its place is still waiting.  My washing machine is very very important to my life.  All the SAHM's will totally understand!