18 Months Turning 18 years

Well the time has come... my daughter is a full on diva not even a little like full on  all the time. 


Reason #1
 She hates being told "No" and it could be something mild but in could bring on full meltdown.
Example : The almighty rubber boots that light up(of course she wants to wear them). If we wear them  all is well until we go inside and have to remove them from our size 5 toddler feet; that are so sweaty because she adores them more than puppies or kittens. It bring the most horribly earth shattering saddened toddler face you will ever see in your entire lifetime. 

Reason #2
Shoes and clothes. I swear this child has more shoes and articles of clothing than anyone in this house hold and she is a year and a half old. Is this even happening??? She loves to be fancy... and not just a little fancy. She needs the shoes, the clothes, the hair. She is a teenager trapped into a tiny human body. She is exhausting and of it doesn't go her way the world falls apart.
 { Maybe she takes after her mother a little but honestly its not like I am that much of a diva! - am I?}

Reason #3
 She knows what she wants. She knows if she wants the pink coat or the purple one. Oh and if you didn't catch the memo IT IS ALWAYS THE PURPLE ONE!  So this little girl is me just small.


So To conclude my blog by a Diva about my tiny Diva, I hope she never looses her voice or her opinion. It makes her vocal, honest and in the deepest most true form of herself. I hope she finds comfort in the ability to be vocal and love herself. I adore her and I have only known her for 18 months. She changed my Life. 

I am my own worst critic.

 I wake up every morning and think to myself ... " you should have gotten up sooner." Granted its 7 am and by no means is that late. Then the morning progresses and I think wow I must workout but my morning is so busy; how can I possibly fit a workout in right now???? As the day passes and children go to school and play out side and do what children do best. I feel more and more less like a human and more and more just like a mom( there is a difference).  I feel like I should be a super mom- clean house, workout, look hot, be a great patient mother... Well in reality lets just pick 2 of those things. I can't be all of those things at once in reality. 


The last couple weeks have been horribly rough. I'm not wanting to workout my ambition is in the gutter... I feel like l am a completely beached whale and not ok with that. My life is chaos right now and it's affecting the logic part of my brains. The goal is not perfection it is my best. Sometimes I yell to much... Sometimes
I don't care enough. Sometimes
I just want to be me and pretend I am not a parent and that I actually have a life and  personality behind all of this. I forget that I am Allie and not just mom. 

Challenges In Finding a Father

 So I have watched my best friend search for her dad for the last 9 years...Its been a struggle. She has been dealt a rather challenging hand of cards in life and maybe its a product of whom she comes from but has no idea of who that is. She is the most committed ,honest, and loving person I know. She has only visions and dreams of whom he could be. Every time we sat waiting for the DNA tests I prayed that it would be the last time; It has been 6 tests and she still doesn't know who he is.  The anxiety of sitting there for her has been overwhelming.

This was a conversation between us the last time:

"I am sorry I am not good with words when it comes to finding your dad... I feel lost and scared for you to either meet the man who helped create the amazing woman you are; or to be completely at the end of your rope.i wish I could say " it'll be okay" but who knows... One thing I do know is that it doesn't change a thing. You will still be you and I will still be me and your mother will still be herself. But I know that you also are an amazing mum and friend."

Her response:
I love you too.
This is a subject that gets me very complicated emotionally. And if I had to talk about it, I couldn't express it verbally. Writing, I just barely touch on how I feel because I have a hard time finding the right words
And I know it wont change anything.
I'm trying to remain optimistic. I know eventually, even if he resists, I will find a way to MAKE him talk to me and take a test (although hopefully it wont come to that)
but even if he's not my dad I'm staying positive in the fact that either way, Ill know.
Ill either know who my dad is or I will know (and have to make peace with the fact) that I will never know.


Her mother gave her names when she was struggling with an eating disorder and wanted her to go to rehab; the only way she was going is if she finally got some sort of response of whom her father could possibly be... she was 17 years old.  When those came up empty she was told "Its none of your business" that would enrage anyone who is trying to find answers and make the curiosity even more unbearable. 

There is a possible that maybe her father... The only problem is that her mother stated that he raped her.

Is the grass still green? Is there hope? Does she want anything to do with him?  All she wants at this point is to know the truth. WHO IS HER DAD? IS SHE A PRODUCT OF RAPE? DOES ANY OF THIS CHANGE A THING? A detailed medical history would be needed for her children and making a informed decision for them during  any sort of medical intervention.

She  has concerns about this mans mother she's quiet ill and that puts pressure and stress on working this out on personal time--- when her possible grandmother is dying. Its horribly saddening. To possibly be finding your extended family to find out that your timing getting to know someone is being put on high speed because someone body is full of cancer.  What if she dies before the results are in? Will she know her grandmother?  What about the possibility of siblings? How will they take the news?  How will she finally take the news if this is her dad? 



Will the grass be greener? Maybe.
Will it change a thing? Of course. She's still the most amazing devoted mother and friend....But it could bless her with more family(there is a flipped to this that isn't so sparkly) or it could show her that her search isn't over.

My plan is to be anxious with her as we continue being best friends and hold hands while we jump over the next hurdle together. Whatever comes from this know I love you. 

Reality

I wake up tired everyday. Not because I stayed out being wild and reckless... No it's all because I have a threenager and a toddler who thinks she should get some more chompers (which worries me when I am still nursing). She is turning into a little diva (how couldn't she?) today she brought me her sandals and looked at me and said "on". Yes, we are learning to speak and yes we are really proud... Then she proceeds to shake her Bon Bon to the  music playing out of my computer.  She is a copy cat.  


Back to our threenager, he's been well challenging?  Last night his brother broke his lego car (granted he's 3 and worked really hard ). Well he totally became unglued... Hitting windows ( unimpressed) yelling, crying And my most favourite... STOMPING! Like really all over something that is supposed to be taken appart. Well after a solid 10 minuets of this royal meltdown from him... I let him cry and deal... But I was horribly embarrassed(grandma and grandpa were over)and disappointed that this is how he was going to deal. Did I fail somewhere along the line? Am I not strict enough?  All the questions that make me question being a parent. 

Adventures with wrinkles

 So we are on our first visit back. It's been so busy and I am exhausted and so are the kids and I'm not sure if the time change causes the wrinkles of our daily routine or the fact that since we got here all three of them are running around like chaotic tornados down tornado alley.  

Sometimes I wish we could betrothe our children. I know some really great kids. While on our adventure our kids have been enjoying spending time with their friends. Yesterday we spent time with our friends B and R and after I left I asked A "do you love B?" His response was " yes, mom I love her very much. We are gonna drive tractors together"  as he said this to me it warmed my heart because when he said it(I had giant mental visions of them driving tractors off into the sunset when they are 35 years old (Babies can't grow up).  These are the things I love about kids the genuine way they think and express themselves. My adventures are wrinkles with emotion and chaos everyday...I also know I throw a giant amont of wrinkles in the childrens adventures(how dare I not let you stumble down those basement stairs?!?)

This week has shown me more that where we are is where we are supposed to be... Even if I'm the talk of the town. 

I'm tired

It's exhausting having to keep it together all the time. All is well and great until the day is almost done and I'm folding laundry or sweeping. My heart breaks in those moments to have my love here. I know I chose this. I hate this feeling of utter loneliness... I hate never getting a break from reality. I know I should be thankful that I get to be home with my babies and for the most part I am-- just moments like these really push me down into the dirt. This is not easy and if you haven't had your love sleep away from you it's horribly disheartening.  Maybe I am slightly in a slump. I miss having him home with me every night more than anything on this earth. I could post about the trivial things but honestly this is where I am at. I am tired of pretending that this is all well and dandy. It really SUCKS.  I am blessed beyond measure and I am thankful. I am feeling so lonesome. I didn't think That the move we always wanted would break my heart. I also didn't know it would not include having my husband and our children's father not with us on a daily bases. 

My story

PThis past Sunday I shared part of my stort with our congration and it was well for me nerve racking as everything. Not only is my story personal its hard for people to hear. Anyways I'll save that for another day but I saw this picture on the Internet and thought "WOW! This is the truth!"

I have my 3 little loves who mean everything to me!

And in other news we went for a nap with out nursing before hand!