Hardest Year of My Life

This year has already been the most challenging on  so many levels.

 I started 2016 with heart breaking news that carried over from November of 2015.  I found out that my Grandma was dying of cancer. I never understood why people hated Cancer so much because I never understood how absolutely degrading and horrible it really was. When I found out that she was dying I wish there wasnt an expiry date stamped on her life. It was like loosing hope for the future and knowing she wasn't going to be there for my kids and for me when my life got tough. I wanted Her to live till she was 110 like she had always promised me as a child.


My Grandma was my BIGEST cheerleader.  From the moment I took my first breath I knew I was Loved beyond measure... I remember her being in our house and watching me.... She was always there when Life got tough. She was the constant in my life. Some of my silliest memories of her are the hours of sitting on the stairs as I was told of who she was when she was younger.  I know her favourite colour (Burgundy)- I know that she made the best Curry and Loved Pie. I know that She cared deeply about family... maybe thats where I get my strong hold for family values.  She knew Joy and Loved showing me Jesus. Her views were so strong and now i realize she was never wrong. She  LOVED christmas and always bought us the best gifts. I think secretly she enjoyed Easter more because it meant spring was coming.  Maybe thats what it was like going to meet Jesus was like for her... maybe it was spring after the winter had finally passed.



Cancer, took away so much of who she was it was unbearable.  I watched her fade away... living 8 hours away was torture especially when she no longer texted me ( YEAH SHE TEXT ME )... Lets just stop for a minuet  she passed away at the age of 64. She  Became my grandma at 40... and my BEST FRIEND.  She knew all my flaws and it didn't matter. All she saw was my perfections and talents. Don't get me wrong we argued and didn't see eye to eye; but we knew that love was always stronger.

The best gift she gave me before she passed on was the ability to see how strong and brave she truly was. She said to me  with the most profound tone and honesty " I am glad I have cancer instead of someone else who doesn't have their family." I won't forget how frail she was at the end of her life. I don't feel like her life was short and I don't feel like she missed out on the important things in life. I think she felt so blessed and so thankful for her time here that there was no need for more time. She got to hold all 5 of her GREAT GRAND CHILDREN.


I miss her more than I would like to admit. I miss her voice and wish I would have kept a voice mail. I wish that I didn't have to witness my grandma be taken by Cancer... But I am so thankful for the 24 Years I had being loved more than  I could possibly ever dream of.  I am not writing this for pitty. I am writing this because this is a stepping stone in my grief. She passed away  at the end of march and  it has been a long and emotional road.  I saw her twice  in February and beginning of march and I would never give back those conversations and how we said the Lords Prayer Together and she added on " And that you would keep my loved ones safe and healthy" 2 weeks later she passed and I knew that day she would.

 This Year  has challenged me with Death, Family and the Importance of Family. I know I am not done Grieving... But I know that I do have Jesus and so did my Grandma and that light shines a little Brighter. Take it as you will but I see her living through my Kids and Life Everyday.  I will always want to hear her voice and wisdom but I am so thankful she no longer is in pain.

 I Love you alway and Forever xoxo