Hardest Year of My Life

This year has already been the most challenging on  so many levels.

 I started 2016 with heart breaking news that carried over from November of 2015.  I found out that my Grandma was dying of cancer. I never understood why people hated Cancer so much because I never understood how absolutely degrading and horrible it really was. When I found out that she was dying I wish there wasnt an expiry date stamped on her life. It was like loosing hope for the future and knowing she wasn't going to be there for my kids and for me when my life got tough. I wanted Her to live till she was 110 like she had always promised me as a child.


My Grandma was my BIGEST cheerleader.  From the moment I took my first breath I knew I was Loved beyond measure... I remember her being in our house and watching me.... She was always there when Life got tough. She was the constant in my life. Some of my silliest memories of her are the hours of sitting on the stairs as I was told of who she was when she was younger.  I know her favourite colour (Burgundy)- I know that she made the best Curry and Loved Pie. I know that She cared deeply about family... maybe thats where I get my strong hold for family values.  She knew Joy and Loved showing me Jesus. Her views were so strong and now i realize she was never wrong. She  LOVED christmas and always bought us the best gifts. I think secretly she enjoyed Easter more because it meant spring was coming.  Maybe thats what it was like going to meet Jesus was like for her... maybe it was spring after the winter had finally passed.



Cancer, took away so much of who she was it was unbearable.  I watched her fade away... living 8 hours away was torture especially when she no longer texted me ( YEAH SHE TEXT ME )... Lets just stop for a minuet  she passed away at the age of 64. She  Became my grandma at 40... and my BEST FRIEND.  She knew all my flaws and it didn't matter. All she saw was my perfections and talents. Don't get me wrong we argued and didn't see eye to eye; but we knew that love was always stronger.

The best gift she gave me before she passed on was the ability to see how strong and brave she truly was. She said to me  with the most profound tone and honesty " I am glad I have cancer instead of someone else who doesn't have their family." I won't forget how frail she was at the end of her life. I don't feel like her life was short and I don't feel like she missed out on the important things in life. I think she felt so blessed and so thankful for her time here that there was no need for more time. She got to hold all 5 of her GREAT GRAND CHILDREN.


I miss her more than I would like to admit. I miss her voice and wish I would have kept a voice mail. I wish that I didn't have to witness my grandma be taken by Cancer... But I am so thankful for the 24 Years I had being loved more than  I could possibly ever dream of.  I am not writing this for pitty. I am writing this because this is a stepping stone in my grief. She passed away  at the end of march and  it has been a long and emotional road.  I saw her twice  in February and beginning of march and I would never give back those conversations and how we said the Lords Prayer Together and she added on " And that you would keep my loved ones safe and healthy" 2 weeks later she passed and I knew that day she would.

 This Year  has challenged me with Death, Family and the Importance of Family. I know I am not done Grieving... But I know that I do have Jesus and so did my Grandma and that light shines a little Brighter. Take it as you will but I see her living through my Kids and Life Everyday.  I will always want to hear her voice and wisdom but I am so thankful she no longer is in pain.

 I Love you alway and Forever xoxo

Hockey Life

 If you really knew me you would know that I have a love for sports. I kinda dislike some of the parts of competitive sports for babies. Okay okay they aren't technically babies anymore.

We go to hockey twice a week with a 4 &6 year old. Today we played 3 games (how can they even?) So in the last game I watched my 4 year old spin in circles and make bubbles on the ice... which was absolutely adorable and he has the attention span of a 4 year old.  My 6 year old would get so much momentum and doesn't know how to stop so he fell into the boards a lot !  I wish I could put that much effort into everything I love... oh wait I do its called parenting.


So back to this hockey life adventure... I LOVE IT!
It's not for the fact that they could win or could be the best. I love our crazy hockey life because it brings my babies joy. It's not joy that fades quickly...
I watched it build today with all the teams. They all were so proud and all of us parents are proud to!  I want to preserve this. We play because we love hockey and not because all we want is to win. Winning is great... loosing is great to. It teaches kids at a small age that sometimes we don't win in life but we always have an opportunity to get up and try again. As an adult sometimes I don't want to get up and try all over again. sometimes I wanna lay on the ice of life and have a temper tantrum... it's not going to benefit anyone involved if I lay there. So watching my children polish the Ice and keep trying teaches me that it's okay to fall down. It's a learning curve every time we fall we learn.

 So today our kids won three games and it's super encouraging to them. I am so proud of how hard they played... I also love their ability to be kind and considerate and honestly my 6 year old didn't even care that they won he just had a great time living moment by moment and that's what I want to do in my life....

Memories Vs Money

 Have you ever thought  "well maybe I should work a little harder to earn a little more Money to make life a little easier." 

Well I have... but then I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I want my children to focus on.  We gave up our big house with the garage and all the things that came with that choice. Sometimes I think that I made a mistake. I know deep down this was the right choice for us and our children. Don't get me wrong I miss my big box stores, lazy supper nights and going out with my friends to places like starbucks. 

 LETS MAKE A COMPARISON!!!

Things I miss:

• Walmart/Superstore
• Multiplex Playdates
• My Friends (I hope this was obvious)
• How much more money we had

Things I don't miss:

• My Husband being Gone ALL THE TIME
• Massive mortgage Payment
• Being far from our in laws
• Driving 5 hrs every time we wanted to see family
• Being Busy ALL THE TIME
• Not Having a free moment 

 So As far as I can see I have gained so much TIME with my husband and freedom I have never had before.  So Yes we don't have a massive mortgage or even a beautiful home... But I have time and I have a family I get to focus on making memories with... My Kids won't think that we didn't give them the world ;we give them all that we have and all that we are.   My life was not "Easier" it was comfortable. But I had no husband to help get the kids to hockey, or to get the kids to bed... I have a husband who works himself into the ground for all of us to have all of our needs and wants met. Now that we have been here for a year, as much as it was a hard move. It was the most rewarding and life changing thing that we have ever done.  I have a husband who is present and food on the table and we all will have memories of Daddy being home to care for our non physical needs .We are blessed beyond measure to show them that money may make life a little more comfortable;Money will never out weigh the most perfect and chaotic memories that one shares with their loved ones. I never want to regret working to hard and not spending enough time on my loved ones. This life is far to short to focus on dollar signs.

PhotoCredit: Michaela Jessiman

Www.life-captured.ca

18 Months Turning 18 years

Well the time has come... my daughter is a full on diva not even a little like full on  all the time. 

Reason #1

 She hates being told "No" and it could be something mild but in could bring on full meltdown.

Example : The almighty rubber boots that light up(of course she wants to wear them). If we wear them  all is well until we go inside and have to remove them from our size 5 toddler feet; that are so sweaty because she adores them more than puppies or kittens. It bring the most horribly earth shattering saddened toddler face you will ever see in your entire lifetime. 

Reason #2

Shoes and clothes. I swear this child has more shoes and articles of clothing than anyone in this house hold and she is a year and a half old. Is this even happening??? She loves to be fancy... and not just a little fancy. She needs the shoes, the clothes, the hair. She is a teenager trapped into a tiny human body. She is exhausting and of it doesn't go her way the world falls apart.

 { Maybe she takes after her mother a little but honestly its not like I am that much of a diva! - am I?}

Reason #3

 She knows what she wants. She knows if she wants the pink coat or the purple one. Oh and if you didn't catch the memo IT IS ALWAYS THE PURPLE ONE!  So this little girl is me just small.

So To conclude my blog by a Diva about my tiny Diva, I hope she never looses her voice or her opinion. It makes her vocal, honest and in the deepest most true form of herself. I hope she finds comfort in the ability to be vocal and love herself. I adore her and I have only known her for 18 months. She changed my Life. 

I am my own worst critic.

 I wake up every morning and think to myself ... " you should have gotten up sooner." Granted its 7 am and by no means is that late. Then the morning progresses and I think wow I must workout but my morning is so busy; how can I possibly fit a workout in right now???? As the day passes and children go to school and play out side and do what children do best. I feel more and more less like a human and more and more just like a mom( there is a difference).  I feel like I should be a super mom- clean house, workout, look hot, be a great patient mother... Well in reality lets just pick 2 of those things. I can't be all of those things at once in reality. 

The last couple weeks have been horribly rough. I'm not wanting to workout my ambition is in the gutter... I feel like l am a completely beached whale and not ok with that. My life is chaos right now and it's affecting the logic part of my brains. The goal is not perfection it is my best. Sometimes I yell to much... Sometimes

I don't care enough. Sometimes

I just want to be me and pretend I am not a parent and that I actually have a life and  personality behind all of this. I forget that I am Allie and not just mom. 

Challenges In Finding a Father

 So I have watched my best friend search for her dad for the last 9 years...Its been a struggle. She has been dealt a rather challenging hand of cards in life and maybe its a product of whom she comes from but has no idea of who that is. She is the most committed ,honest, and loving person I know. She has only visions and dreams of whom he could be. Every time we sat waiting for the DNA tests I prayed that it would be the last time; It has been 6 tests and she still doesn't know who he is.  The anxiety of sitting there for her has been overwhelming.

This was a conversation between us the last time:

"I am sorry I am not good with words when it comes to finding your dad... I feel lost and scared for you to either meet the man who helped create the amazing woman you are; or to be completely at the end of your rope.i wish I could say " it'll be okay" but who knows... One thing I do know is that it doesn't change a thing. You will still be you and I will still be me and your mother will still be herself. But I know that you also are an amazing mum and friend."

Her response:

I love you too.

This is a subject that gets me very complicated emotionally. And if I had to talk about it, I couldn't express it verbally. Writing, I just barely touch on how I feel because I have a hard time finding the right words

And I know it wont change anything.

I'm trying to remain optimistic. I know eventually, even if he resists, I will find a way to MAKE him talk to me and take a test (although hopefully it wont come to that)

but even if he's not my dad I'm staying positive in the fact that either way, Ill know.

Ill either know who my dad is or I will know (and have to make peace with the fact) that I will never know.

Her mother gave her names when she was struggling with an eating disorder and wanted her to go to rehab; the only way she was going is if she finally got some sort of response of whom her father could possibly be... she was 17 years old.  When those came up empty she was told "Its none of your business" that would enrage anyone who is trying to find answers and make the curiosity even more unbearable. 

There is a possible that maybe her father... The only problem is that her mother stated that he raped her.

Is the grass still green? Is there hope? Does she want anything to do with him?  All she wants at this point is to know the truth. WHO IS HER DAD? IS SHE A PRODUCT OF RAPE? DOES ANY OF THIS CHANGE A THING? A detailed medical history would be needed for her children and making a informed decision for them during  any sort of medical intervention.

She  has concerns about this mans mother she's quiet ill and that puts pressure and stress on working this out on personal time--- when her possible grandmother is dying. Its horribly saddening. To possibly be finding your extended family to find out that your timing getting to know someone is being put on high speed because someone body is full of cancer.  What if she dies before the results are in? Will she know her grandmother?  What about the possibility of siblings? How will they take the news?  How will she finally take the news if this is her dad? 

Will the grass be greener? Maybe.

Will it change a thing? Of course. She's still the most amazing devoted mother and friend....But it could bless her with more family(there is a flipped to this that isn't so sparkly) or it could show her that her search isn't over.

My plan is to be anxious with her as we continue being best friends and hold hands while we jump over the next hurdle together. Whatever comes from this know I love you. 

Reality

I wake up tired everyday. Not because I stayed out being wild and reckless... No it's all because I have a threenager and a toddler who thinks she should get some more chompers (which worries me when I am still nursing). She is turning into a little diva (how couldn't she?) today she brought me her sandals and looked at me and said "on". Yes, we are learning to speak and yes we are really proud... Then she proceeds to shake her Bon Bon to the  music playing out of my computer.  She is a copy cat.  

Back to our threenager, he's been well challenging?  Last night his brother broke his lego car (granted he's 3 and worked really hard ). Well he totally became unglued... Hitting windows ( unimpressed) yelling, crying And my most favourite... STOMPING! Like really all over something that is supposed to be taken appart. Well after a solid 10 minuets of this royal meltdown from him... I let him cry and deal... But I was horribly embarrassed(grandma and grandpa were over)and disappointed that this is how he was going to deal. Did I fail somewhere along the line? Am I not strict enough?  All the questions that make me question being a parent.